


letters (i see nothing but the candles in the mirror)

by impravidus



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anger, Angst, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Coping, Depression, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Tony Stark, Letters, Mental Health Issues, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Recovery, Therapy, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-16 12:16:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21036107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impravidus/pseuds/impravidus
Summary: ~ Once it's on the paper, we feel better, we feel better. It's like some kind of clarity when the letter's done and signed. ~Post Civil War Tony writes a letter to his future self. Current Tony writes one back.





	letters (i see nothing but the candles in the mirror)

Dear Tony,

Hi, it’s me, you, *Tony*, talking to you in the third person for this dumbass letter that my dumbass therapist told me to write for my dumbass “depression.” So hi. I’m doing it. Tada. All better. 

She said I should write about why “today is a good day, and here’s why” but that’s idiotic. It’s not a good day. It’s the opposite of a good day. The Avengers just broke up, I almost got killed by my ex-friend, I almost risked the life of a fourteen year old kid, and my best friend friend can’t walk.

She also told me to write to future me. But, seeing how everything is going right now, it doesn’t feel like there’s much of a future to look forward to.

So, Tony of the future, how are things? Are you still kicking it? Got a working heart yet? 

Things aren’t so great right now. Hope things are better for you.

Fuck this is stupid.

Have a good life, Tony of the future, because I’m not right now.

_\- Tony_

.-~*~-.

Dear Tony,

Hi. It’s you, Tony, from the future. That “dumbass therapist” did a lot of good things for us, and I’m actually writing to you today for something she assigned to me.

She told me to write to you about the things I wish I knew when I was you. So, here it is.

1\. It’s okay to mess up.

Messing up comes in big and small. It can be a little hurt or disaster, but no no matter what had happened, you still will blame yourself. I know you will. Everything that happens feels like your fault, even if it wasn’t. You will try to help everyone and you won’t care enough about yourself to realize you’re hurting yourself. You will get hurt a lot in this process.

You’ll feel like crying a lot and you’ll be told that it’s not your fault but that’ll just make you feel like it’s your fault even more. You’ll try to fix it, but there isn’t a way, and you find yourself living in the past just trying to fix what has passed.

You won’t pay attention to the present or the future and only regret everything you have done. You’ll live as the person you and everyone else used to be. There’s no real time that you’ll find out that it’s okay to move and that it’s okay to mess up. You’ll learn it slowly and even being told such a thing seems so out of reach. You’re going to mess up a lot and you’re going to hurt a lot of people, but you’ll hurt yourself even more. 

2\. You matter.

I understand what it’s like to not find any worth in yourself. Seriously, I do. I still only have glimpses of that self love amongst all the shit I hate. A lot of people may be against you right now, but a lot of people are against me too, and now I do’t know who I can trust anymore.

It’s hard to know who is to be trusted and I’m sure you’ll trust people who shouldn’t be trusted, but it happens. Hut needs to happen so you can learn from it, and I know it lasts forever and it will. I can’t say it won’t because that’d be a lie. But, just because you’ve hurt people doesn’t mean that you don’t matter. Because you’ve made mistakes doesn’t mean you don’t matter. Just because the world is against you right now doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be in it. 

People like us, people going through this shit, we are all that we ave who truly understand. I never thought that I’d ever make it this far. I figured by now I would have successfully thrown away my life with no one looking back at me, but I’m here right now and I’ve done something. We’ve done something. Life isn’t easy, and it won’t hand you a reward. It never will. Getting somewhere takes a shit ton of work and it takes a lot of hard times and you won’t get recognized for a lot that you do. One day though, you’re going to realize the people you save are real, and they all have real people feelings, and even though they feel like nameless faces, you aren’t to them. You’ll make a difference in people’s lives. You already have and I know you know that.

3\. It sucks and nothing is going to stop it from sucking except for you.

No amount of medication and booze and therapy will bring you true happiness. It’ll make you feel numb, it’ll make you forget, it’ll make you someone you aren’t, but it won’t make you truly happy. You’ll feel heavy all of the time, you’ll have side effects every day that are sometimes worse than what you started with, and it’ll make you turn into an emotionless robot. Right now, that may sound amazing, but you’ll miss feeling. Even if that feeling is hurt, it’s a whole lot better than nothing.

Right now, it all feels useless and I know that, but that’s going to make the really seldom times of good really matter. It’ll make it feel euphoric and because of that, when you go back to the down, you’ll miss the good, but that’s why you’ll fight even harder to get it. Depression doesn’t go away, it just becomes bearable. Some days will be hard depression days. You’ll want to drink it away and end it all in every thought you have. The easier depression days will be a voice in your head telling you you don’t deserve the happiness you feel, but you continue to feel that happiness anyways.

In the end, though, you will make it, and you’ll be glad you did. The future seems impossible right now, but it’s going to happen whether you like it or not. It’s going to come with more hurt, but it also comes with maturing and learning and growing.

4\. The things that help some people don’t have to help you.

Going into therapy you’re going to hear a lot of different things. You’re going to hear the words “coping skills” and “mindfulness” so much that every time you hear them it’s going to make you want to pull your hair out. You’ll waste hours meditating hoping it’ll fix something, and you’ll talk about your problems so many times and continue to hear answers that you already knew by people who think that they are being original. You’ll be told to do intricate coloring pages, to do breathing techniques, and to journal. For me, none of those things really stuck until I made them. It’ll take time to find what helps you and to find the motivation to make them help. You’ll give up a lot with it, but when you stick with it, you’ll feel proud.

5\. You’re going to ruin a lot of things for yourself.

You’re going to take songs that relax you and listen to them during your times of low and you’ll realize that when you hear a song that once made you happy, it brings you to all of your times of hurt. There will be shirts you’ll never wear again, colors that won’t feel the same, names you can’t let roll off your tongue. There will be chapsticks and ties that are filled with memories. The little things feel like big things that pang at your heart and you won’t know why at first. But, you’ll be able to get over them. It’ll take a long while, but you will. 

6\. It’s okay that you’re not super successful with the things that matter right now.

You’re going to compare yourself to people a lot and you’ll be a perfectionist. You’ll want to be the best, strive for everything, and want to make it, but you’ll get rejected, and that’s going to sting really bad. When someone tries to help, it’ll probably bring a punch to your heart because you know you’re doing something wrong. You’re going to fail a lot and you’re going to struggle a lot. You’re going to be confused and afraid to ask more questions and then just end up isolating yourself and answer them for yourself. It’s okay to ask for help. I know you’re a billionaire genius, but you need to ask for help more.

7\. When you talk to someone who you think aren’t listening, they probably are trying hard to.

They can’t read your mind, and they can’t tell if you’re just being your moody self or if something is actually wrong, and it’s hardly the ladder that they understand. And sometimes they aren’t reacting to the level you are because if they get emotional, nothing will get done. They need to stay calm and just be there and can’t react because you will get out of hand.

8\. You need to live. 

Living is really hard. Being a human in this society is hard. Being you is hard. But, you need to prove everyone wrong. You need to be strong, and most important, you need to not be strong sometimes. Give yourself time to pause and take a moment. Don’t overwork yourself when you can prevent it. Find little ways to give your brain a rest, and that means actually getting sleep. Don’t put other’s people’s lives and problems on your shoulders. Say no. Drink water more. Just, do whatever you can and know that someone will be there for you.

I know it sounds impossible right now, but you need to change your nevers to wills. You need to change your doubts into challenges and make goals and just fight. It’s not easy, but if you want to actually do anything with your life, to help people, you need to not just self loath in a puddle of self pity and actually do something about it. We are here to help the little things progress and make difference in people’s lives, and I think you’re too busy saving the world to remember that you can’t always be saving the world.

Life isn’t fair. Life isn’t easy. But, we live anyways. Live for the little things right now. Don’t live because you’ll make a big change. Live because you can make medical equipment that will save one little sick boy’s life. Live for tomorrow so you can eat a lemon poppyseed muffin or get everything right on a crossword puzzle. Live for the little things right now because somewhere in the far future, which seems millions of years away, you’ll be able to wrap your head around the big things to live for too. 

You matter, and you are here because you can affect someone else. But, not matter if you make a big difference, a small difference, or none at all, that’s okay.

Be proud of yourself for stupid things because you should. Really like an outfit. Brush your teeth and smile really wide. Pet a dog. Peter says you should pet every dog you can.

Live. Just… live. I know it’s really hard to right now, but you’ll figure it out. 

9\. This doesn’t really end.

Sometimes when you think things are getting better, you go back a step. Or two. Or just fall down the whole fucking flight. You still break down, and you still make mistakes, and you still blame yourself for the past. But you have to realize a couple things

a. The only things that are your fault are the things that you have done. Not how the person reacted, not how they interpreted what you did, not the collateral damage, and not how everything else ended up. It’s not always your fault.

b. You still need to learn. We still aren’t good at communicating, and we still screw up. Don’t think you know everything, because you know a lot, but not everything.

c. It’s going to work out. No matter how much the past may repeat itself, you need to keep changing to keep it from hurting you again. Life does weird things and puts you in situations you’ve been in before and you need to stop it from ending the way it has before.

  1. Finally, I’m proud of you.

I know that times are getting really tough right now and getting better takes a really long time. These are just words to you right now, but as some point they won’t just be word, and you will understand.

Good luck.

_\- You, May 17, 2021_


End file.
